I had the happiest childhood of anyone in the world.  Really.  I would get in trouble everyday for laughing uncontrollably at school.  Sadly, after years of harsh punishment I’ve spent most of my adult life being depressed…

My girlfriend’s wrong, I’m an extremely empathetic person.  I’m always dying to know what the fucking cat is getting into.

At my bank the drive through lane has a speed limit of 4mph.  I would love to meet the cop that’s going to write a ticket for 5mph.  But I’d settle for the guy who decided on that limit.

I saw a U-Haul van today.  On the side it proclaimed that they had the “Right Equipment-Lowest Prices.”  Now, does that mean if I, for some selfish reason, disobey this scripture and pay less somewhere else, I will just plain get the wrong equipment?

When your roommate accuses you of brainwashing, just be sad that you lost control of him.

Curiosity killed a cat.  I’m not sure who killed mine.

I like libraries and I like delis.  They’re the only two places that if I owe them money they actually ask me, “Would you like to pay for this now?”  Well, if I could just not pay for it at all that’d be nice.

My favorite time to write is from 11:30pm to 12:30am.  “I wrote for days!”  I exclaim.

My 12-pack of sprite was yelling at me today, “Same Great Taste!”  They would only yell for a few different reasons.

A.  Relieved that it actually worked out.

B.  Trying to intimidate.

And finally…

C.  A harmless joke.